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Journey to a grateful heart

 Picture this: You're laying in bed listening to the rain falling just outside your window. You're cosy and warm. Where your arms are over the covers, you almost feel an icy wind softly blowing over them. You can feel the gentle weight of a pillow covering your face. As the sound of the rain gets louder, you realise there's another sound competing to be heard. A soft ringing in your ears, wanting to deafen you to the sound of rain, the sound that makes you feel most at home.  As you try to move your arms back under the heated shelter of your blanket, they feel heavy, and your muscles almost feel like you still need to learn how to use them.  Suddenly, your stomach makes a turn, your heart starts beating faster, and you're slightly short of breath as you remember your neck clicked in a very unusual spot just before you fell asleep.  The world around you doesn't exist now. Now, you live in your mind, you're captivated by the fearful thoughts that "maybe somet...
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Be steadfast

 I have been so obsessed with my physical healing and when that would come that I've come to a place where I hate my body.  I know "hate" is a very strong word and probably not the most accurate to use at this moment.  Let's see ...  Greatly dislike. Detest. Loathe. Despise. I have come to greatly dislike my body. Whenever I go to the Dr for whatever the reason may be, and we discover a new symptom or something new that we need to treat, the dislike grows deeper.  I was reading Psalm 103 tonight and found an old note I made while I was still in high school.  The note read: "Why are we on earth? To honour and praise the Lord daily.  Through every circumstance, in every area of our lives, to praise the Lord. Through our praise and our seeking Him out, we discover more of who He is." He forgives our sins. Heals all our diseases. Redeems us from the pit. He crowns us with love and compassion. He satisfies our desires with good things.  The Lord works ...

The strength of knowing my weakness

 I was watching a movie earlier today and the one character asked, “what’s your biggest fear?” and without giving it a second thought she immediately listed her top three fears. Now, I know it’s just a movie, but I can’t shake it.  “What’s your biggest fear?” I used to think it was to not get better. That maybe I am just petrified of being in pain or sick for the rest of my life. But I don’t think that’s my fear. I think I just refuse to accept that as truth.  Weakness.  It took me a good minute to just gather enough courage to type out that word. I am scared of looking or feeling weak and not having control. I so desperately depend on my pride to help me look strong and secure and confident.  I think the journey with my health has probably been the one area in my life where I struggle to let go. To wholly lose control. I know that this will be an ongoing journey, it has been for the last fifteen years. I will have to wake up every day and choose hope. Choose jo...

"Consider the birds"

 I read a quote this morning that said it's okay to make goals for 2024 to be healthier, to be more self-aware, to grow as a person but also make goals that will make 2024 a fun year.  At first I read it and I felt, ja, this is sweet. Then I arrived at work, started water the garden and was pleasantly surprised!  There was a tiny bird in one of the trees. When I started watering, he quickly flew off. Within a few seconds he was back with some friends! About 5 or 6 of them, enjoying the water!  It was such a pure moment. I cannot begin to explain the utter fascination and joy I felt watching this. Before 8am this morning, my day was already made.  Isn't God just wonderful? It keeps reminding me of the Scripture in Matthew:  “Consider the birds—do you think they worry about their existence? They don’t plant or reap or store up food, yet your heavenly Father provides them each with food. Aren’t you much more valuable to your Father than they?  So, which o...

"This is my comfort in my affliction"

 "This is my comfort in my affliction, that your promises gives me life." - Psalm 119:50 I don't know how many times I've read this verse and thought: 'oh wow, what a comforting verse'  Tonight as I read this I stopped and realised I read it wrong all along... this is my comfort IN MY AFFLICTION...  It's so easy to get angry and despondent... it's easy to be numb and to pull away from loved ones... it's easy to retrieve back into my own bubble... in my anger and sadness and aloneness there is no accountability. There is no hope. There is no looking forward. There is no positivity. There is only my own selfish negative attitude.  Truth is: It's easy to go back to the negative defaults because positive thinking, holding on to promises, holding on to the word of God and hope requires faith. Faith requires believing without seeing, trusting and letting go.  It's the same old sing song...  Yes, I have fibromyalgia  Yes, I have migraines Yes, I h...

"Be seen as we truly are"

 I've been considering posting something for a good few weeks now, and feel like the time might have finally arrived.  So, it's another medical blah blah blah.  I'm feeling inspired by a quote in Cinderella.  "This is perhaps the greatest risk any of us can take: to be seen as we truly are." This inspiration unfortunately starts in November-ish of last year (2022) ...  I had quite a bad pain flare up. Honestly the pain was so intense I barely remember most of it. I have glimpses of crying, glimpses where I felt my whole body seizing in pain. I remember times it felt like my skin was on fire and my head would physically explode at any moment. Not a pretty picture. I know.  My fever was extremely high, and if it hadn't broken and if my pain hadn't started relieving when it did, I would've gone to hospital. (Although should anything like that ever happen again, we'll be going straight there.)  Later on, I learnt that my whole face was swollen from the...

The Spoon theory

I've been struggling with my health for a good couple of years now. After more than 10 years of going to doctors, trying new medications, blood tests and specialists, I finally found a doctor who listens and who took the time to understand my symptoms. It's been a year and a half since I first went to her and am so incredibly grateful for her patience with me. I went to her for a second opinion, as I haven't had the best of luck with doctors and wanted to make sure that if I'm diagnosed with Fibromyalgia, a lifelong illness, that it wasn't a misdiagnosis.  Some of you may not know what Fibromyalgia is, or you might be part of the few who believes "it's all in the mind" and honestly, I don't care what you think. My doctor explained this to me by using the "Spoon Theory" "The spoon theory is a metaphor describing the amount of physical and/or mental energy that a person has available for daily activities and tasks, and how it can becom...