Journey to a grateful heart

 Picture this:

You're laying in bed listening to the rain falling just outside your window. You're cosy and warm. Where your arms are over the covers, you almost feel an icy wind softly blowing over them.

You can feel the gentle weight of a pillow covering your face.

As the sound of the rain gets louder, you realise there's another sound competing to be heard. A soft ringing in your ears, wanting to deafen you to the sound of rain, the sound that makes you feel most at home. 

As you try to move your arms back under the heated shelter of your blanket, they feel heavy, and your muscles almost feel like you still need to learn how to use them. 

Suddenly, your stomach makes a turn, your heart starts beating faster, and you're slightly short of breath as you remember your neck clicked in a very unusual spot just before you fell asleep. 

The world around you doesn't exist now. Now, you live in your mind, you're captivated by the fearful thoughts that "maybe something pinched a nerve" or "is this fibro flare up" or "what if it takes me another week to have enough strength to carry my own weight" 

As you realise you're overthinking and causing your anxiety to be the star of the show, you take a deep breath and almost forcefully cover your arms. They definitely feel weak. Almost shaking. Definitely shaking. Not visible to the eye, though. It's like your muscles are shaking just beneath the surface.

You take another deep breath. "This is okay. I am okay." 

You realise you no longer hear the rain. Somewhere during this battle with your body, the rain had stopped. You now hear the sweet singing of a bird or two. In the distance, you can hear cars driving by, and you can hear the world wake up around you. 

The pillow is now off your face, allowing you to feel the soft, cool air against your face. 

You look at the time, knowing it must have been about 20 minutes since you heard the rain. Your body still weak. Your back still sore. Your neck still sore. Your head feeling fuzzy. There's no headache (praise the Lord), but it's also not crystal clear. 

How do you start a day where the pain in your back is not only running down your spine but also wrapping around your ribs, hugging you? Where the ringing in your ears have only gotten louder? Where your arms and legs feel so weak that walking around makes you feel (and let's face it), probably look like a toddler learning to walk for the first time? 

How do you go into your day feeling confident and strong? 

The only thing I have confidence in, is the Lord and His strength. Not my own. Never my own. 

He will carry me. He protects me. The anxiety I feel can be calmed by His Word. It never fails.

There is a song by Chandler Moore,  Built for this, that's also been such an encouragement to keep looking to the Lord. It reminds me to glorify Him and praise Him in every season. Not only when there's need but to also praise and honour Him when there is something to be grateful for. 

I am reminded to carry on my journey to a grateful heart.