"Be seen as we truly are"

 I've been considering posting something for a good few weeks now, and feel like the time might have finally arrived. 

So, it's another medical blah blah blah. 

I'm feeling inspired by a quote in Cinderella. 

"This is perhaps the greatest risk any of us can take: to be seen as we truly are."

This inspiration unfortunately starts in November-ish of last year (2022) ... 

I had quite a bad pain flare up. Honestly the pain was so intense I barely remember most of it. I have glimpses of crying, glimpses where I felt my whole body seizing in pain. I remember times it felt like my skin was on fire and my head would physically explode at any moment.

Not a pretty picture. I know. 

My fever was extremely high, and if it hadn't broken and if my pain hadn't started relieving when it did, I would've gone to hospital. (Although should anything like that ever happen again, we'll be going straight there.) 

Later on, I learnt that my whole face was swollen from the pressure and from all my crying. I was bruised around my eyes from the pressure. 

Recovering was difficult and some days I feel like I'm still recovering from that incident, but I know my family has my back and I know I have friends I can trust and talk to, if I ever need an ear.

Since then, I've been struggling with recurring headaches... usually only lasting 2 or 3 days, maybe every two weeks. 

But they were manageable. I could deal. No pain meds needed.

Until two months ago. 

I got a migraine of note! It felt like I was going to faint from the pain. I hadn't felt that weak in months. I physically got sick from the pain, thought it would get better (it usually helped) and instead the pain only increased. We eventually got the earliest appointment and went to the doctor's office. The doctor then put me on a drip to help break the migraine. 

Laying in that dark room I remember thinking that I wasn't as scared when she had to put the needle in. For some reason I was fascinated with the fact that the needle no longer scared me. It was just another necessity to break a migraine and have a good day. I tried covering myself more with the blanket and felt colder in that room than I have felt throughout this entire winter. I laid there, waiting for my hour to run out praying my migraine would break and I get to go home completely pain free. 

A part of me has made peace with the chronic pain and the emotional toll it takes. The other part holds on to the hope of a miracle and the trust that healing will come. 

Anyway. I'm not sharing all this cause I'm looking for your sympathy. I don't want you to feel sorry for me. I'm sharing because I know I'm not alone. I know there are other people who also have bad and horrific days. I know there is people who experience the same or even worse symptoms, people who feel alone, anxious and unheard.

I know I have people around me who listen and who try to understand, and I love and appreciate every single one of them. I also know that not all of them physically know what I'm experiencing. They don't know the fear I have of showing how I am actually feeling on any particular day, because what if it's a day like today... I finally have the migraine that's been building for two weeks. No meds helped, enough sleep didn't help, changing my diet didn't help, doing my normal stress relief didn't help. All I could do was wait for the pain to get worse. Wait for the ringing in my ears to finally stop. Wait for the dizziness to go away. Wait for silence and a dark room to try sleep it off. And when I do wake up after that migraine, feeling overwhelmed by guilt for missing another day of work or missing another event with family or friends because my body couldn't allow me. 

So... If you are someone who feels alone, guilty, unheard, misunderstood, confused, anxious or maybe just angry...

It's okay... 

You are okay...

You are not alone. I might not know your individual symptoms, but I know the struggle of trying to hide what you are going through. 

So, going back to the Cinderella quote... maybe it's time to be risky, time to be seen, time to be vulnerable. Don't know about you, but I'm ready to stand up and fight for myself.